BEAR FACTS

Dear Lyer,
Now that the royal sport of fox-hunting has been banned (bah!), might I suggest the re-introduction of bear-baiting? In recent years, over 27 people in my village have been eaten by savage grizzly bears, which have taken to rampaging through our sleepy hamlet whenever they fancy biting a face off. Quite frankly, many people are beginning to get fed up. More security on bear farms is merely bolting the bear after the door has escaped. Most of my neighbours now have homes entirely surrounded by vicious bear traps, which to date have caused the agonising deaths of 15 postmen going about the queen's business. Proper licensed bear-baiting pits would, in my opinion, serve both to keep the rampaging bear population down, and provide simple, honest entertainment for the bloodthirsty masses.

Bob Hayseed (faarmer)
Hassock-in-the-Wurne

Readers are invited to send in their angry marauding bear stories, either made up or true

TRACY BITES BACK

Dear Lyer,
I would like to remind the Great British So-Called Public that Art is like an onion, and must be peeled before being eaten. I once tried smoking onions when I was in Morrocco showing them how to make rugs, but it just made me cry. Quite a lot of things make me cry these days. Bus tickets, stationary, carbon based plaezoid sub-particles, Carry On films, my tab at the pub, and the destruction of the rainforests, to name but three. Once upon a time, back in the old Wild Tracy days, that would have really bothered me! Hah! Nowadays I just take out my hanky, blow my nose, dab away my tears, nail it to a bit of wood and flog it to some rich charmless wanker trying to impress his bird.

Tracy Eminem (Ms)
The White Pseud Gallery

See Arts News : Tracy - Why does everyone think I'm an twat? - ed

PRUNE DREAMS

Dear Lyer,
Why do you insist upon printing rambling, boring letters like this one, which can only serve to reinforce the generally held opinion that your readers are pruriently interested in the absurd views of a cretinous minority of people who, like myself, have been abducted by tiny intelligent blue ants who got into my house by diguising themselves as currents in some Dundee Cake, a type of cake of which I am particularly fond, and who, after I had innocently eaten the cake, which was delicious, burst forth from my abdomen one afternoon when I had forgotten to take my medication and forced me to board their huge atomic blue ant spacecraft which they had parked in my front garden, completely flattening my roses and what was worse, demolishing the fence which separates me from my neighbour Frank Sinatra who is trying to electrocute me by magnetising my cutlery with a long - range cutlery magnetiser which he got from his friends in the CIA who want to have me rubbed out because of what I know about the Kennedy assassinition?

R.Sheets
Scallwag Ward
Pfaff Secure Institutions Inc
The Netherlands

THE LYER SAYS: Are any of our other readers being inconvenienced by cutlery magnetiser-wielding dead celebrity neighbours? Your letters, and any other new Kennedy assassination evidence please!

A WORD IN YOUR OAR
via email

Dear Lyer,
I recently completed The Lyer so-called very very very difficult crossword, which took me all of 9min 27secs, including 31.4secs answering the door! And as you can see from the attachment, it is just a load of meaningless words. Take 5 down, Pbhouress. What's that supposed to mean? 4 across Gbini. No such word mate! Well I'm up to your little game let me tell you. You can't pull the wragnglol over my eyes.

Stanley P. Groyne,
Assistant treasurer
The Sussex Society of Chess and Very Difficult Maths
Neuroses
Kent

THE LYER SAYS: Stanley was not the only reader to fall for our special April Fool crossword! The clues set by our compiler Ron Snyde, deliberately led the puzzler to believe that meaningless, non-existent words were the solution.

(It even had me fooled for a smkaedrion- ed).

CRICKET BALLS

Dear Lyer,
The whining hoards of unwashed liberal namby-pambies are wrong as usual. Public beheadings and the amputating of limbs have no bearing on whether we should tour Saudi Arabia or not. The predominently Sunni arabs are practically strangers to the game of cricket, and play with a tennis ball. Saudi wickets tend to be very sandy with small dunes dotted around the boundary. Under these circumstances, our high order batsmen are odds on to rack up a huge score, thus restoring the England team to it's rightful position as fourth best in the world, Are we to allow a few human rights abuses to prevent our great sporting ambassadors from bringing British decency and democracy to a country which, let's face it, still supports the abolition of slavery?

R.Kilroy-Silk (no relation)
Brussels

MATHS DESTRUCTION

Dear Lyer,
I wonder if you could settle an argument. My friend says that in an equilateral triangle, the square on the side of the hypotinuse is equal to the sum of the squares on the other two sides. I say that the angle of incidence is equal to the angle of reflection. Who is right?

THE LYER SAYS: You are both wrong. The Otto cycle is a two-stroke internal combustion engine with a low cubic capacity, unsuitable for heavy pulling work.It was originally designed for King Otto of Sweden, whose religion forbade him to wipe his own arse.

 

CROICPOT

Dear Lyer,
I saw in the paper the other day where Gerry Adams the Irish Republican spokesmansperson was quoted as saying that he "had great difficulty passing a bookshop". I don't doubt it - many people in Ireland, both of the Loyalist and Republican persuation, would seriously question the wisdom of eating one in the first place. Doctors have warned for years that the binding on many hardback novels can remain in the lower abdominal tract for several days. Art catalogues and old car manuals in particular are notoriously difficult to digest, and can cause severe stomach disorders if not chewed properly. This may result in twisting of the bowel, chronic constipation and death. As far as eating the building itself is concerned - wood is obviously preferable to brick, but in the long run it is advisable to stick to the government recommended diet of raw prunes, goat cheese, and alfalfa.

Prof. E. Tojam
Dept of Nutrician
Hartlepool Anal Retention Centre
Dublin University

THE LYER SAYS: Do any of our readers know why the above letter was published?

THE FUTURE'S ORANGE

Dear Lyer,
Has anyone seen that new TV series "Guantanamo Baywatch"? What a load of rubbish! Huge-breasted women romping around a beach in orange boiler suits? Call that entertainment? I say bring back Eamonn Andrews the radio ventriloquist, and that bloke who eats light bulbs. And hanging. In my day you could go out with 5p in your pocket, drink as much as you like, and still have enough money left over for a generous portion of fish and chips and a prostitute

A.Pierrepoint
Pessery-in-the-Hammock

THE LYER SAYS: If any of our readers remember the good old days, or have some hilarious anecdotes about times gone by, why not get together and jump off a cliff? Or set yourselves on fire?